Chapter 1
A Day by the River
“Weeeeee!” Miriam’s raisin-like, shriveled old body went flying into the river.” Hannah, I think you finally had a good idea. It took you 55 years, but you’ve finally done it.” But Hannah was to busy searching for her dentures in the murky waters to hear her. They played in silence for several minutes when Miriam gloated yet again. “You should feel this mud over here! It’s great! Why, this sure beats sitting in a doctor’s office waiting for hours while they---“
“Miriam, you maleficent, malingering Kercher! Don’t be saying that aloud or else somebody’s going to overhear you talking about that.”
“Huh?”
“Ooooh, never mind. Just hesh, then alright?” They both quickly forgot the close call they had just experienced, and carried on with their toes-in-mud-digging, swimming, and fishing-for-dentures-ing. Soon it was getting late, and two disheveled, yet jubilant old women headed for the back door of their house, eager to find some chocolate milk. But before they reached for the door handle, Clementine, Hannah’s oldest daughter stepped out.
“Mom! You were supposed to be taking Miriam to the doctor to get her pace-maker put in. Don’t you think it’s time you grew up? After all…you are my mother.” Hannah smiled a toothless grin, and before she could reply, Nella gasped. “Mom! Where’s your teeth? We just bought that set!”
Pointing a long bony finger at her comrade, Hannah accused, “It was her fault. She was up in the dogwood trying to re-tie the tire swing when she fell down onto my head. After I finally got her clawing, gnarling self off my shoulders, they had fallen into the creek.”
“Well,” Miriam defended, “if she hadn’t been accusing me of being a sissy I wouldn’t of been up there in the first place. Hannah Hishbod! You’re a—“ But they could no longer contain themselves and broke out in a delighted cackle. Nella simply shook her head and herded them inside for the third bath of the day. After they had sipped a cup of chocolate raspberry tea and a three hour nap, it was time for bed.
A Day by the River
“Weeeeee!” Miriam’s raisin-like, shriveled old body went flying into the river.” Hannah, I think you finally had a good idea. It took you 55 years, but you’ve finally done it.” But Hannah was to busy searching for her dentures in the murky waters to hear her. They played in silence for several minutes when Miriam gloated yet again. “You should feel this mud over here! It’s great! Why, this sure beats sitting in a doctor’s office waiting for hours while they---“
“Miriam, you maleficent, malingering Kercher! Don’t be saying that aloud or else somebody’s going to overhear you talking about that.”
“Huh?”
“Ooooh, never mind. Just hesh, then alright?” They both quickly forgot the close call they had just experienced, and carried on with their toes-in-mud-digging, swimming, and fishing-for-dentures-ing. Soon it was getting late, and two disheveled, yet jubilant old women headed for the back door of their house, eager to find some chocolate milk. But before they reached for the door handle, Clementine, Hannah’s oldest daughter stepped out.
“Mom! You were supposed to be taking Miriam to the doctor to get her pace-maker put in. Don’t you think it’s time you grew up? After all…you are my mother.” Hannah smiled a toothless grin, and before she could reply, Nella gasped. “Mom! Where’s your teeth? We just bought that set!”
Pointing a long bony finger at her comrade, Hannah accused, “It was her fault. She was up in the dogwood trying to re-tie the tire swing when she fell down onto my head. After I finally got her clawing, gnarling self off my shoulders, they had fallen into the creek.”
“Well,” Miriam defended, “if she hadn’t been accusing me of being a sissy I wouldn’t of been up there in the first place. Hannah Hishbod! You’re a—“ But they could no longer contain themselves and broke out in a delighted cackle. Nella simply shook her head and herded them inside for the third bath of the day. After they had sipped a cup of chocolate raspberry tea and a three hour nap, it was time for bed.
Chapter 2
“Our evil plan is working.”
“Oh no! No no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! There’s NO possible way I’m going to fall for the ‘going quilting at the senior center’ trickery. After all these years of you two refusing to let me teach you how to quilt…” She sighed. “I’m not that stupid.” So Clementine grounded them from leaving the house for 3 days.
A few hours later, Hannah could be found in her rocking chair, newspaper over the face, snoring, when Clementine and her very loving and affectionate husband Moses walked into the living room. “Honey, I’d love to take you to the Bahamas for our Anniversary, but who could we persuade to watch the kids?”
“Well what about Terry? She’s a nice girl, Sweetheart.”
“Yes, I know she is, Snookers, but for a whole week?” I don’t know if she can handle that. After all—“
“Shhhhh! You’re going to wake up my mom, Pookums!”
“Sorry. I don’t know what we’re going to do, Bitsel, but I’m sure we’ll think of something.”
They shook hands lovingly and then left the room. As soon as they were gone, the newspaper flew off Hannah’s face onto the ground and she was running (or hobbling) as fast as she could toward Miriam’s room. As they consulted in whispered tones, Hannah exulted, “you’ll never guess what I just found out!”
DAH DAH DAH DAH
Chapter 3
Chewing for Two?
Pound, pound, pound “Hey you sniveling old women! You let me out of here! I’m going to tell Moses and Clementine about this! Heeeeeeeeeelp!”
“Terry, be quiet in there or we’ll have to duct tape yer mouth.” Turning to Miriam Hannah groaned. “You’re lucky you can’t hear. That girl’s as crazy as a coot.”
“Ey?”
“Nothing. You almost done chewing that gum?”
“Well yes, but it’s lot harder when your chewing for two, and it’s mixed with caramel and popcorn at the same time. I still think we should try my blender idea.”
Triumphantly following Hannah’s reluctant permission, Miriam shuffled over to the cupboard where she took out the blender and began pouring in the ingredients: bubble gum, caramel squares, popcorn, orange soda, and a tad of milk. “Here’s you milkshake, Hanney.”
Blissfully sipping her drink, the recipient of this delicious beverage commented, “You know, we forgot to feed Terry.”
“Oh yeah. After we put the kids to bed at 5, I completely forgot about her. I better go get the tortillas. Too bad that’s the only thing that will fit underneath the door. Oh well. All the less work for me.” She chuckled softly to herself, as she shoved the girl’s meal under the door. “Be good in there, Terry or we’ll eat the tortillas ourselves. Just be grateful you’re in the room with the toilet. We still have to wear our DEPENDS.” They heard nothing but a sob and much sniffling for a reply.
***More episodes from the Being Old While Staying Young Publishing Company are soon to come!
1 comment:
OH, MY GOSH!!!!!!! That is SO funny!!!!! I love it, Mirsey!
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